Anger’s got a bad rep. It’s an emotion not a lot of people like to admit they feel. I mean, it makes sense. Anger often brings out the worst parts of us and pushes people away. It can come out as irritability, annoyance or even rage. Very few people can say that they had a pleasant experience with someone that was expressing their anger at them. Yet, it is an essential emotion like all the rest. It is valid like all other emotions are valid, and it has a purpose like all other emotions have a purpose.
What is the purpose of anger? Anger is the emotion behind injustice, unfairness and powerlessness. We feel it when our boundaries have been invaded or when we feel violated in some way. It is necessary to feel it because it provides an important message: what is happening to me right now is not ok. It is important to listen to this message to truly understand why you’re feeling it and how to move through it.
Anger can be a secondary emotion in some cases, i.e. the emotion that is the result of another, deeper emotion. It could be the outward expression of something else you may be feeling deep inside that may be harder to articulate, express or admit. Sadness is one of those emotions that is commonly beneath anger. As you can imagine, there is sadness and helplessness in losing one’s liberties. There is pain in acknowledging when we have been hurt by someone. It is understandable that one would want to gain justice over being wronged. That is our human right. When we stand up for ourselves in the face of injustice we send the message that we deserve to have our rights respected and upheld. Anger helps us do that. It helps us feel empowered.
The challenge with anger becomes learning how to express it in a way that can serve you. It is ok to feel anger. It is not ok to use it to hurt other people. What are some ways that anger can be expressed healthily?
Carefully calculating when and how to express it. If you are fuming, it is not the right time to express your feelings. Walk away, cool off, do something relaxing, and then collect your thoughts to carefully express what you’re feeling. This way you’ll have more control over how it is expressed.
Be sure it is being directed at the right person. Sometimes we displace anger to the wrong people. E.g. You got cut off on your way home from work, but you let your frustration out on your partner.
If you are unable to express your anger to the right person, use other coping tools to release it e.g. going for a run, screaming into a pillow or punching it, ripping up pieces of paper, etc. Cold water and ice have also proven to be effective tools to reduce emotion intensity. You could wash your face with very cold water or drink some ice water to help cool off.
Remember, you are responsible for your emotions and actions. No one can make you feel a certain way. Keep this in mind when communicating your feelings with others. Using statements like, “You’re making me mad,” or, “I did this because you made me angry” are not helpful because you alone are responsible for your emotions and how you act as a result of them. Instead, take responsibility for your actions, explain what you were feeling that led you to act the way that you did, make amends if necessary, and ask for any unmet needs.
It is said that in order to leave an emotion one must arrive at it first. This means that in order to release an emotion we must first acknowledge it and accept it for what it is. As yucky as anger is, to move through it you must try to understand its purpose.
If you would like some support with learning what is beneath your feelings of anger, I can help you with that. We could also work on how to cope with it and how best to express or release it.
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