What is relationship counselling?
Relationship counselling is the therapeutic process of gaining a deeper understanding of your relationship and resolving conflicts within it. You explore what makes it work, what hurts it, and how to improve it.
Couples typically choose to start counselling when there is something that isn’t working in their relationship and counselling is seen as the last resort before calling quits. Although this is common, you don’t have to be at the brink of breaking up to start to mend your relationship. In fact, counselling can be effective for couples at any stage of the relationship, even those who already have a healthy relationship and simply want to maintain it or continue to grow. Lastly, relationship counselling is for all types of relationships out there: heterosexual, same-sex, polyamorous, etc.
What do sessions look like?
During the first few sessions, partners can choose to undergo an assessment - although this is not mandatory. The assessment tool I use was created by the Gottman Institute and is informed by the Gottman Method of Relationship Counselling. This assessment can help to evaluate the quality of your relationship and identify strengths and areas of improvement in it. The assessment results also offer suggestions on Gottman tools and techniques to help improve your relationship. Click on the link below and scroll down to "Gottman Three-Session Assessment for Couples Therapy" to learn more about this assessment tool.
If you opt out of the assessment, we will informally go over your reasons for seeking counselling, your counselling goals and your goals for the relationship overall. We will then go over a history of your relationship, for example, how you met, what made you fall in love with each other, and how you decided to take steps forward in your relationship. We will also talk about your relationship role-models, i.e. those who have influenced how you show up with your partner. Lastly, we will identify what hasn’t been working for you and begin to tackle these in subsequent appointments.
During on-going sessions, we will learn and practice techniques to help you communicate effectively and learn how to regulate your emotions. The overall objective is to feel heard and understood by one another.
Communication skills-building is a large component of relationship counselling. You will learn how to listen, how to ask for your needs to be met, how to offer feedback, how to negotiate, and how to articulate important thoughts and feelings. I encourage each partner to take turns expressing themselves and proceed only when both parties feel understood. Sometimes partners struggle to articulate their thoughts. In these cases, I help with reframing so that the message you are trying to convey is being received as it is intended.
Emotion regulation is another important aspect of relationship counselling. Often times, partners struggle to effectively communicate because big emotions come in the way and they end up feeling defensive or needing to respond in hurtful ways. In sessions, you will learn how to self-sooth as well as learn to identify when your partner is dysregulated and could use your help.
How do we know relationship counselling is the right step for us?
Relationship counselling can be effective in these cases:
You keep having the same arguments over and over again and struggle to reach resolution.
You regularly feel as though your partner just doesn’t understand what you’re trying to tell them despite many attempts.
There have been ruptures in your relationship that you haven’t been able to work through, for example, infidelity, abuse, betrayal, etc.
You have conflicting values around major topics, for example, parenting, finances, family involvement, religion, etc.
There is family conflict, for example, with in-laws or extended family members, and it is affecting your relationship.
One or both partners have experienced a trauma or loss and it is affecting your relationship.
And many others.
If you are curious to learn more about the process of relationship therapy and whether it will be effective for you, I invite you to schedule a free 20-minute phone consultation with me. At the very least, I could offer resources on where to obtain the right kind of support e.g. books, other agencies, programs, etc.
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